2016-10-18

Are We Monogamous? No. Well, it depends on your definition, some people might be. But still no.

Let me explain my position. I’m not saying people should be required to have more than one partner. Neither am I saying that if you don’t want to have multiple partner that something is wrong or you have failed. My contention is simply that we are not default monogamous.

I feel monogamy is lying; cheating; hiding from true feelings. From ourselves and from others. What else in our lives are we required to only have one of. Only one pair of shoes? Only one t-shirt? Who wouldn’t say no to a second house or a car? What about only one friend…?

Do you only have one friend? Sure, you might have a best friend, but does that mean once you have found that best friend that you can never have another friend? That you have to disconnect from all your existing friends, otherwise you will be cheating on your best friend?

What is the difference between a friend and your ‘one true love’? Whatever you said, “Why?”

There are many levels of friendship from first meeting to best-est-friends-forever. Why is the border between friend and forbidden partner usually a physical one? Such an arbitrary division. (Don’t get me started on the completely unbalanced view society has in regards to promiscuity, with a section of the population being cheered on, while the other is shunned, shammed.) Is hugging acceptable between friends? Why? Is holding hands? Why? Massage? Snuggling on a couch? Kissing? Stroking? Groping? Fucking? Why not? Why did you draw the line where you did?

Monogamy is about possession. “This is mine and you cannot have it”. “I don’t trust my partner to not leave so I bind them with words and shame for certain actions”. “It’s all about me. I have to be enough to fill their whole world forever.” You don’t owe other people. Even if you could, morally you should share with others.

Monogamy is based on jealousy and a fear of loss. It is the lack of trust in your partner to be honest with you and to factor you into their lives. Lack of trust that they cannot engage with other without taking away from what you have or leaving.

Your partner cannot be stolen. You don’t own them. They are their own individual person at all times! If they chose to share their lives with you, you should be honoured.

So many relationships end with one person cheating on their partner. so many relationships are about control and power, not about love. Love is not about restraint or control. Love is about freedom, about caring, about life. It is life.

Having said all that, being with only one person as your live partner is not wrong. It’s not even undesirable. I’m saying that monogamy is not default and is not the true state of humans. You can have only one life partner and still have a best friend that you tell all your secrets to. You are not monogamous! You have two life partners; you just happen to only have sex with one of them. Fucking is not the indication of good relationships.

Non-monogamy is all about accepting that all the important people in your life hold a piece of your heart, in accepting the adventures of socialising and being free to explore your world of experiences. This has nothing to do with a life of no rules/anarchy. It does not have to be anarchy, you can have agreements between people. You already do. Agreements with yourself. Agreements with your partner/s. Agreements with the arbitrarily labels of friends or best friends

Friends are the essence of our non-monogamy. They show us that there are so many different type of friendships; of relationships. They show us that we can have multiple similar relationships, all co-existing peacefully as part of our social experience. How is this not the same of life partners, sexual or otherwise. If your partners are not also some of your closest friends, something is wrong.

Humans are not monogamous. Society tells us we are. But the truth of it is, life is all about the grey stuff. The in between.

Re-examine your life. Be non-monogamous, even if it is only with your one life partner.